Deserted Memories

As I dream I try to think of happiness, but happiness turns to sorrow. Sorrow turns into pain and agony. I can't take it anymore, I want to be able to step out of the box and reveal to the world that I am here. I want to reach heights unseen, but my life is like a sad tune played over and over again on a record. It's insanity. Life was not meant to be this dull, but if I'm scene I can't be seen drenched in a red lake. Allowing myself to be seen is a death wish to my heart, even though YOLO might be true. Living your life to the fullest is a choice, and a choice that can kill you. I am not timid nor am I meek, but emotional. Do not advance to me like a sap even though I'm fully aware that's what I am. You can call me outgoing, but truthfully I'm shy. The sorrowful tune is manifested in my life. It is a part of me and I accept it. I dream of a place where I am no longer separated, where I am seen as a jewel rather than the rust on a blade drenched in the tears of my heart and the streams of my veins. I tried to escape this world, but I'm drawn back by a family that's not mine. Why couldn't they let me fade away? I only needed a few more minutes. I try to look onto their faces and glimpse. My family view of my exit option, but instead of seeing their faces I begin to see my eyes shut as I pass out. My mind is taken back within the dreamland I can't take it anymore. I try to scream, but words turn into silence as I am surrounded by the memories of my past. I decide to sit and view my sad and happy memories and as I sit there in silence, watching my memories as they pass, I notice my happiest memory is when I was sitting with my family, playing games with my younger sister. Then my worst memories start to come before my eyes and I break down, tears begin to stream down my eyes. I saw one of my worst memories from when I was five years old. My mother and father had taken me outside to the park and we had sat down on the swings. They asked me if I loved them. I said, "yes," and they told me I was not their son. My shock led to my tears then they said that I was going into def-ax custody like I knew what that was. Then they told me that I was not allowed to see or contact my sister or them anymore. A piece of me had died in that moment and just as my next memory was about to show I felt a pulse and heard my sisters voice. I called back and I had awaken to see myself in a hospital bed surrounded by everyone. I knew, except that family, my despair continues. Why me? I look unto the worried faces and I see how I'm still loved, but my mind is still made up from that day. I never want to see those memories again. So I shroud them with my insecurities and Id rather live than die and remember those memories.

The Distance Between Us

I fell in love with a friend, but she doesn't know it. I try to keep a friendly relationship between us for she is my best friend. My love for her exceeds all boundaries, but I keep my emotions a secret, for I am afraid to admit my feelings to her. The doubt in my mind surrounds my insecurities and emasculates my confidence. But most of all I'm afraid to hurt her feelings. For most of my life I have never stayed faithful. I have loved, but I have kept a rule to make sure that my feelings wont progress beyond lustful intentions. My actions prevents ongoing relationships and I can not bare the pain of hurting her feelings, but it ails me to keep the truth hidden, so I chose my only option (the separation of my heart) for her happiness. I sacrifice my love. I hold true to helping her view happiness from a distance.

Too Far From Depression

As the leaves blow in the wind singing a song of pain and sorrow, they dance through the night. I sit silently, watching them as they fall and blow away in a dance of illustrious wonder, but I look unto the trees and notice how lonely and cold they have become. The once beautiful branches that use to bare fruits and bring color to the world have now become gloomy, misery-filled faces of what was once summer. I guess this is why they call fall the beginning of eternal rest. It seems so pure. I am surrounded with the beauty of colors. The presence of death still illuminates over the world controlling how we rationalize ourselves and our movements. I have decided to embrace this fate which was brought upon me for there is no escape. We can only postpone the imminent, so instead of living in fear I shall coexist with my insecurities. I spend my night gazing up at the moon until I fall asleep, dreaming only of the comfort which was given to me by the moon and the light in which seems to brighten the world but in truth is as lonely as I am. I await the day when I can share my true feelings with another who understands the loneliness of the moon and watches the dance of sorrow.  I keep hope alive for that day to come and for that reason I am too far away for depression to catch me. I smile because I know that my other half is waiting for me.