Deserted Memories

As I dream I try to think of happiness, but happiness turns to sorrow. Sorrow turns into pain and agony. I can't take it anymore, I want to be able to step out of the box and reveal to the world that I am here. I want to reach heights unseen, but my life is like a sad tune played over and over again on a record. It's insanity. Life was not meant to be this dull, but if I'm scene I can't be seen drenched in a red lake. Allowing myself to be seen is a death wish to my heart, even though YOLO might be true. Living your life to the fullest is a choice, and a choice that can kill you. I am not timid nor am I meek, but emotional. Do not advance to me like a sap even though I'm fully aware that's what I am. You can call me outgoing, but truthfully I'm shy. The sorrowful tune is manifested in my life. It is a part of me and I accept it. I dream of a place where I am no longer separated, where I am seen as a jewel rather than the rust on a blade drenched in the tears of my heart and the streams of my veins. I tried to escape this world, but I'm drawn back by a family that's not mine. Why couldn't they let me fade away? I only needed a few more minutes. I try to look onto their faces and glimpse. My family view of my exit option, but instead of seeing their faces I begin to see my eyes shut as I pass out. My mind is taken back within the dreamland I can't take it anymore. I try to scream, but words turn into silence as I am surrounded by the memories of my past. I decide to sit and view my sad and happy memories and as I sit there in silence, watching my memories as they pass, I notice my happiest memory is when I was sitting with my family, playing games with my younger sister. Then my worst memories start to come before my eyes and I break down, tears begin to stream down my eyes. I saw one of my worst memories from when I was five years old. My mother and father had taken me outside to the park and we had sat down on the swings. They asked me if I loved them. I said, "yes," and they told me I was not their son. My shock led to my tears then they said that I was going into def-ax custody like I knew what that was. Then they told me that I was not allowed to see or contact my sister or them anymore. A piece of me had died in that moment and just as my next memory was about to show I felt a pulse and heard my sisters voice. I called back and I had awaken to see myself in a hospital bed surrounded by everyone. I knew, except that family, my despair continues. Why me? I look unto the worried faces and I see how I'm still loved, but my mind is still made up from that day. I never want to see those memories again. So I shroud them with my insecurities and Id rather live than die and remember those memories.